A.D.M. OPERATIVE OF THE YEAR:
"THE MONGOOSE"
Personal Statement:
"Hi! My code name is The Mongoose, and I'm part of the Central Virginia's top-secret ADM terrorist cell.
I live with a ducky, two baa-baas, five cats, and a dog. I love animals. They're soft and they don't
judge me, and they never, ever reject me. Even if it's really early
and I'm really, really lonely, and really, really, really drunk. However, I am anxious to meet a homo
sapien to take long walks with, eat Vegan bean loaf with, and firebomb the houses of fur wearers with.
I'm looking for someone who loves animals so much, it makes you want to pull out your hair
and rape hot dog vendors with their carnivore-baiting umbrellas. If this sounds like you, please
contact me! Here are some stats about me… I hope to hear from you!"
Occupation:
Assistant Manager, Starbucks Coffee
Education:
Double major in poetry and political science.
Turn ons:
Adult contemporary rock, the rich musk of Justice, the movie JAWS (until the ending), textured vitamin
protein, hash brownies, Karl Marx, Gerry Adams, Popeye the Sailor Man, love beads, animals
Turn offs:
PETA, bullshit activists without balls, punk music, all meat, messy sex, cruelty toward animals,
human interaction, Jimmy Dean and his sausages, Hormel, Texas
Hobbies:
Running around the woods naked—smeared in the feces of my power animal, learning new bird calls,
bathing my pets, playing gin rummy with my adorable sheep, watching movies with my cats, kidnapping fast
food fried chicken managers, and beating them into a human-sized pine veal boxes, then force-feeding
them mashed potatoes and oatmeal and leaving them boxed up until they start to lose muscle mass
Awards:
A.M.D. Fanatic of the Month; First Prize Jolly Green Giant Pea Eating Contest; Member of MENSA and NORML
- J. Devore
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