Last month, after hearing rumors about sick and injured creatures passing through the animal hospital of Dr. Alan Schpream, I visited the practice, posing as an experienced veterinary assistant in search of gainful employment. So convincing was my performance, I was hired on the spot as a senior kennel sanitation specialist.

When I arrived to work, I was shocked and appalled to discover that the beds in this hospital were in fact STEEL PRISONS (without plumbing, no less). And so began a harrowing journey to the depths of animal hell, where on my very first day, I discovered Eleanor, a fluffy gray kitty who had been admitted for treatment of a fractured leg. I took an immediate liking to Eleanor, who bore a strong resemblance to Rhea Perlman. During my lunch break, I brought her a generous serving of mock-swordfish tempeh cubes, which I had hand-seasoned with my own delicate mixture of organic herbs and spices. As she ate, I signed her cast and serenaded her with The Rum Tum Tugger, from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's stage masterpiece Cats. It was somewhere into the second verse when I noticed that Eleanor was avoiding sitting down squarely on her backside. Angling myself into a position between the PRISON and the cesspool catch-tray below, I eyeballed her pert anus carefully. As I suspected, she had anal gland problems. Not only were they dramatically swollen, they were glistening suspiciously. What MONSTER had allowed this situation to go unchecked so long? Checking Eleanor's chart, I noted the owner's name, Mrs. Ethyl Robertson, and her address.

The next day, Eleanor was released from the hospital into the custody of her MONSTER owner, who I saw for the first time and noted to be a pathetically old and dilapidated specimen of humanity. Outfitted with prescription eyewear and a hearing aid, the human Robertson was clearly a genetically defective and senile bitch unworthy of even washing Eleanor's cat toys, let alone enjoying her divine company.

That very same night, two ADM commandos and I donned masks and proceeded to the human Robertson's assisted living condominium in eastern Tallahassee, which we entered forcefully with the help of a standard-issue battering ram. Storming into the human's bedroom, we quickly bound and gagged her with duct tape and a single JC Penny boy's tube sock, respectively. After proceeding to liberate Eleanor from the dungeon that was Robertson's powder room, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work on her precious pooper.

Crouching to my knees, I pressed Eleanor gently but firmly against my side with my left arm, her back side facing forward. Taking her upper left anal gland between my bare thumb and index finger (NOTE: Never use gloves! The synthetics in latex gloves can cause a kitty's poo-hole to sting!), I squeezed real hard until the juices squirted out onto my fingers. Now as we all know, the fluid from a kitty's anal sacs should be dark to medium brown. Well not only was Eleanor's yellow, there was a little string of blood in it too! And that means just one thing - INFECTION!

I turned around to face the gagged and wide-eyed Robertson, who was watching me from her position at the foot of bed. I just couldn't help myself - I started screaming at her. "Hey bitch! What the fuck is this?! What did Eleanor do to deserve this?!" And then I smeared the gland juices on her disgusting wrinkled human snout. "Not too sweet, is it toots?," I said. "How'd you like it if your slave master neglected you until your ass did this?" She mumbled something from behind the duct tape, but I had already turned away to drain the other glands.

When I was done, I set Eleanor loose and gave Robertson a final warning. "Now you listen here, human scum. I want you to give Eleanor antibiotic pills in her food every day, and I want to to rub and carress her ass lovingly, like its your own little crotch trigger or something. If you don't, we'll know - and we'll be back! Got it?!" When she nodded in the affirmative, I cut her bonds and we stole away into the night.

At this point in time, the A.D.M. has reason to believe that the offending human is complying with our demands for complete care and doting reverence for the feline Eleanor. We ask that any members possessing information which suggests otherwise please contact the toll-free creature abuse hotline immediately at 1-888-ANIMAXX.